Watchmen (Crotchmen)

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Watchmen (Crotchmen)

Postby TheStuboy » March 3rd, 2009, 1:06 am

This evening I worked for one of the radio stations I work for, KHTB 94.9 and our duty tonight was a special pre-screening of the upcoming film "Watchmen" which opens Friday. My job was to put up roller banner and hand out free stuff such as posters and stickers. I did get to see the movie for free though and I'm glad I didn't pay.

Without further ado, here is the review of the much hyped and much anticipated film of the season "Crotchmen."

The film stars a bunch of no-names but is directed by Zack Snyder whose previous works include 300 and Dawn of the Dead.

Zack has his own particular style, and there is no doubt he is a talented director, but as with any movie, the story and script are more important factors of a movie.

The following synopsis has been written using fiction however as with fiction, there is always a grain of truth. This was done to not give away too much of the story so I wont get sued before the film comes out, but also because the film is too long to describe on this forum.

Crotchmen tells the story of washed up superheros trying to figure out what to do with their lives all the while things are going on in the world that will create plot holes later on. Tensions are mounting between the U.S. and the USSR as this film is set in the mid 1980s during the cold war. I am not a crook however is the president and is just about to blow up the world until the superheros come in and the movie takes a different direction and ends up going nowhere.

A huge blue guy acts gay and two superheros have oates, lots of people die and the world gets blown up with no explanation or purpose. This is "Crotchmen."

I kept wondering what the point of it all was during the whole movie. I felt no connection to any of the characters what-so-ever, and I have to say this film fails in the same way Spiderballs 3 fails. There's just too much going on to shove into one film. On top of that, it happens very slowly with action sequences sprinkled here and there. Maybe a stu person would understand this film but I sure as heck don't and I really didn't care either.

Granted, the special effects are good, but it isn't anything I haven't seen before. The oates scenes are good, but not worth 8 bucks. There really is no nudity other than boobs and that's it.

Diehard superhero movie fans will love this to death and likely won't keep looking at their watch as I did, but this kind of film is not my thing. That doesn't mean I haven't seen superhero movies done really well. Two come to mind, Dark Knight and Iron Balls.

The camera movements, artistry and the like are done well, but the story suffers from too many subplots and slow moving in general. There is no reason to care for the stuper heros, who look like better counterparts.

For example, There is a superhero who looks like Batman but isn't. There is a guy who looks and acts like Iron Balls, but isn't. There is a chick who looks like Wonder Woman, but isn't, and there is a gay robin like guy...who isn't. The coolest character in the film wears a mask most of the whole film and doesn't have enough screen time.

I guess if you are a fan of the comic books and you like slow confusing movies, this one is for you, but if you are a regular average joe with a film degree, you'll be bored to tears.

Here is some advice for Warner Brothers and Paramount for Friday's release of this film. TRIM THE FAT!
I know this would require some late night editing and maybe even pushing the film back another week, I suggest they do this.

Another thing, DON'T BELIEVE THE HYPE.
Overhyped movies tend to suck and this one is no different.

2 stars out of 5. At least I got to see it for free and didn't mistakenly shell out 8 bucks.

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Hea, why live in a world where you literally and figuratively have blue balls? I don't know.
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Watchmen - (Beeatchmen)

Postby Kaing of Kaings » March 8th, 2009, 9:15 pm

Ell, The first official 2009 film has been must be a slow year.
I just got back from watching Beeatchmen. I must say, it wasn't as bad as Stu thinks it is but it isn't really worth the hype either. I wont get into too much detail because Stu basically summed it up.

I must say, I was really impressed with the opening title sequence. Zack Snyder is a master at imagery and the opening title sequence sets up the movie perfectly. I am not familiar with the Watchmen comic but I believed the opening sets it up pretty well. After that, I went from interested to partially interested with a few spots of that was cool in between.

Watchmen does have some fat to it and some slow parts. There is Oates and yes she is nice to look at. And for the ladies, there is a floating blue guy with a serious case of blue balls that you can look at. This is the comic book movie (Rated R for a Reason) that Spiderballs wants to be and Ironman kind of is (only without the nudity and the arms getting chopped off).

What is up with bringing their kids to see this. This movie is Rated R and I think I would of had nightmares as a kid after seeing this. There are scenes which children should not see but people are stupid anyway. That's the kind of Universe that the Watchmen live in. A world of people gone stu and dumb enough to elect Richard Nixon for the 4th time. Anyway, enough of my rant and blue balls.

I think Zack Snyder did a brave thing with this film and I applaud him for his visual style and the artfulness of it all. I also like how he did a call out to 300 (Comedian against the door) and the current situation where our nation is addicted to coal and oil. We also had some political references, subtle but there, to the ex president, W.

Anyway, It wasn't a perfect film and boring at times. A couple time's I found my self thinking about looking at my watch. But it never happened. 3.5 stars out of 5. I think Zack Snyder has a future in directing, I just think that this one may have been too much in too little of a time frame. And even then, the movie did feel a little long. Hea.


Ok Kids who saw the movie and have stupid parents...Here is the moral of the story. If you are wearing spandex and have an open flame behind you...never fart. It's bad for the environment.


Ok...we have Captain Blue Balls, The Chain Smoker, The PTer, Mr. Hea Guys, Some Dorky Guy in a Red Suit, Night Owl Baller and Mr. Ballsatch. Yea, that's pretty much the Beeeatchhmen. Have a Nice Day ;)
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Lloyd: "He must work out."

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