The Best (and Worst) Movies and TV of 2023

[Kaing of Kaings]

Well the time has come to put 2023 to bed. What can I say, it was an average year of movies and TV with nothing really blowing me away into the stratosphere where my clothes would fly off and I would get sucked into space. Some old friends came back like Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible Dead Flatchening, which is always entertaining and the beautiful colorful Across the Spiderverse. Alexander Payne is back in form with The Holdovers, which might become a new Christmas staple. Some long ass movies too like Killers of the Flower Moon, Oppenheimer, Napoleon and Poor Things. Seems to be the trend with older directors making long ass movies. I guess they earned that right but people, including me, have short attention spans and unless your movie is super entertaining, there is no need to make these movies one-fourth of a half a day. Godzilla: Minus One was a pretty cool Japanese return to Godzilla (way better than Shin Godzilla) and despite what Stuboy says, I thought it's special effects were awesome. The scene with Godzilla chasing the boat looked real to me. Cant go a year without some stinkers like Renfield, 65, Meg 2 and the Flatulent Anyone but Stu.

As far as docs go, I was blown away by The Deepest Breath. I may have been a little ah ah ah when I was watching it but it's incredible what deep divers do. As far as TV, The Mandalorian. The Bear and Succession ruled the roost. Let's get to it and start ranking them.

Movies:
1. The Holdovers - (Alexander Payne is back!)
1. (Tied) Mission Impossible: Dead Reckoning Part 1 - (Ahguy Impossible: Dead Ahguyening)
2. Spiderman: Across the Spiderverse - (Spiderballs: Across the Pooweeverse)
2. (Tied) Blackberry - (Surprisingly good movie about the creation of the Blackberry Phone)
3. Godzilla Minus One - (Godzirra Minus Run)
4. Guardians of the Galaxy: Volume 3 - (Good ending to one of the better Marvel Properties)
5. Oppenheimer - (Oppie Oates with Florence Pugh. Lucky guy)
5. (Tie) Barbie - (Hea)
6. American Fiction - (Black writer pretends to be The Shieet)
6. (Tie) Champions - (Woody Harrelson plays basketball with some special needs kids)
7. No Hard Feelings - (Jennifer Lawrence gets buck naked)
8. Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny - (Indiana Jones and the Dial of Density)
8. The Promised Land - (Mads Mikkelsen gets mad trying to grow potatoes)
9. The Iron Claw - (Lip plays sweaty nut sac with his constantly dying brothers)
10. Elemental - (Mid level Pixar is still better than most drivel out there)
10. (Tie) Napoleon - (Great battle sequences but the rest is a mess)
11. The Killer - (David Fincher lets Fassbender go head shot on people)
12. Dumb Money - (Kind of fun to watch rich fucks get screwed over)
13. Air - (A movie about how farts were put into Nike Air Jordans to make the shoes lighter)
14. Creed 3 - (Might be a good movie but can't tell because of a miserable movie going experience with a bunch of stupid teenagers on opening night)
15. Killers of the Flower Moon - (Could have been great if about an hour and a half was cut from the story)



"See son. The key to a Quality Fart is having a smug look on your face but keeping your eyes off balance."



Being handcuffed to Hailey Attwell could be a pretty cool thing.


Honorable Mentions A Man Called Otto, Tetris, A Fart at the Cabin,, They Cloned Tyrone, Guy Ritchie’s: The Covenant, The Creator, A Million Miles Away, Wonka, The Boys in the Boat, Nimona, Poor Things, Anatomy of a Fall, The Passenger, Thanksgiving

Documentaries:
1. The Deepest Breath
2. MH370: The Plane that Disappeared
2. (Tied) NOVA - Ancient Earth
3. Arnold
4. Still: A Michael J. Fox Movie,
5. Shiny Happy People: Duggar Family Secrets,
6. World War II: From the Front Lines
7. Love has Won
8. Hell camp: Teen Nightmare,
8. Jared from Subway
9.Unknown: Cosmic Time Machine,



It's unreal what this sport involves

Best TV
1.The Mandalorian- Season 3 - (Mando is back to kick rebel ball)
2. The Bear - Season 2 - (Lip has a nice looking girlfriend)
3. Succession - Season 4 - (Succession must happen or Brian Cox will beat a Mantha on national television)\
3. (Tied) Prehistoric Planet - Season 2 (Dinosaurs fart on earth again)
3. (Tied) Fargo - Season 5 (Dang Jon Hamm can play a bad guy)
4. Fall of the House of Usher - (Better than last years Michael Flannigan joint, the Midnight Club)
4. (Tied) Love and Death - (Jesse Plemmons and Elisabeth Olsen try to oates)
4. (Tied) Rick and Morty - Season 7
5. Black Mirror - Season 6 (Some hits, some misses)
5. (Tied) The Crown - Season 6 (Goes off on a higher note)
6. Your Honor - Season 2 (Walter White deals with the aftermath of being a lousy judge)
7. Waco: The Aftermath - (Hessians going to hate and try to blow some shit up in Oklahoma City)
8. South Park - Season 26 - (Some hits and some misses)
8. (Tie) Family Guy - Season 22 - (See above)
9. How to become a Cult Leader - (Drink the Trump Koolaide)
10. Monarch: Legacy of Monsters - (Disappointing, not enough monsters, boring characters, convoluted plot wasted on talented people)



The new Mandalorian suit has improved fart trapping abilities and can save quality flatch for later and special occasions.

OK now to the worst of 2023.

1. Renfield - (Terrible movie with Nicholas Cage as a vampire)
2. Meg 2: The Trench - (ShMEG 2: Shut Up Meg)
3. Anyone But You - (Glen Powell tries to Oates Sydney Sweeney but her booooobs get in the way)
4. Cocaine Bear - (Except for the Ambulance Scene, this movie kind of sucked)
5. 65 - (Adam Driver has to save a mute girl from bad CGI dinos)
6. Leave the World Behind - (Julia Roberts has bad gas with Ethan Hawke as the world may or may not be ending)