2012 - (How the World is Destroyed by Complete Flatulence!)

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2012 - (How the World is Destroyed by Complete Flatulence!)

Postby Kaing of Kaings » November 17th, 2009, 1:41 pm

Yesterday, I saw what may be the last movie I will see at the Harkins Theater in Flagstaff. That movie was appropriately, the end of times movie called 2012. 2012 is Rolland Emmerich's latest foray into the destruction of the world. If the world ends in 2012...which it won't...then Rolland Emmerich will be sitting somewhere high up watching all the destruction below. His taste buds will salivate as Los Angeles gets destroyed by a giant butt that farts out earth shaking flatulence and causes Gomp's old house to sink into the sea. He will smile as a tear roles down his cheek. He will thank the God of Beat and of Flatulence for this day.

(Major SPOILERS- Do Not Read unless you have seen the movie or don't give a shit)

2012 stars John Q Sac and Amanda Peet who teamed up in the good movie Identity. Now they are divorced and have two stu kids. John Q Sac feels like its time to get in touch with his kids...not in that way sicko...by taking them camping in Yellowstone around December 21, 2012. Little does Rolland Emmerich know, Yellowstone is usually covered in snow in December and too damn cold to camp in a tent. It sure doesn't look like late summer there...but I digress.

Q Sacs kids are staying in Yellowstone when Q Sac discovers a crazy radio broadcasting guy played by none other than Woody Harrelson. Woody seems to know that the end of the earth is coming and decides to broadcast where it will all go down, Yellowstone, Wyoming. Somehow, he has a nationally syndicated radio show that he broadcasts out of his camper. Anyway, Woody smells shit in the air and he knows the Government is hiding something. As it turns out, the neutrinos from the sun are causing the core to heat up causing the crust to fall apart. The Yellowstone hot spot is expected to blow...something that will happen in the future but probably not on 12/21/2012. Woody warns Q Sac and the kids to get the fuck out of there. So they do.

Now we return to Los Angelas where the gas from Fat Alberts ass has been building up and causing earthquakes to tear shit up. Soon its a full on massive crustal breakdown and Q Sac with the family in toe gets the fuck out of there and flys to Wyoming to see Woody get blown up by the biggest explosion in cinematic history.

Did I mention that Danny Glover is president during all of this. I am not sure why they picked him. While I like him as an actor, his LISP wont go away and I wanted to start laughing when he was talking as president. Especially in the scene where he tells the people of the world that they are fucked and there is nothing you can do about it. His face is up on the screens in Times Square and you can just see the slobber raining down on the poor people standing in the street below. I like Danny Glover but he should stick to his Shooter roles where the lisp makes him sound mysterious and makes you want to hear him sing the classics.

Anyway, there are a bunch of other actors in here you may recognize. Chiwetel Ejiofor (Children of Milos) plays the geologist who puts everything together and removes the ticking time bomb under Oliver Platt's (Lake Placid) ass. The hottie Thandie Newton (W.) plays the presidents daughter whose superior genes will help repopulate the earth after the shit hits the fan.

Just a couple of complaints for Rolland before I move onto the review. Please do not have scenes in your movies where someone has to save a stupid drop kick dog only to jeopardize the future of man kind. Do not have scenes where two dorky twins with Russian accents act stu. I wanted to beat those kids for just looking stu.

You can have scenes where John Q Sac DXes from a car in an airborne Russian plane over the Pacific. I know Stuboy will get a kick out of that. If I am not mistaken, I think he tunes to 99.9 FM and hears the last broadcast of Milo FM before it goes off the air. You will also notices that when he tunes the AM band, he tunes it to 745 AM. That is factually correct since foreign countries use different bands than the Americas.

You can also have more scenes where fat Russian dudes cannon ball off of insanely big concrete trenches. I found myself laughing out loud during that scene.

(End of Spoilers)

Damn this is a long review, but it's the last one from Flagstaff so I have to go Balls to the Wall. Anyway, If you are into dumb, beyond belief disaster movies, this one if for you. I came into the theater expecting that, and I was not disappointed. My major complaint is the dialogue and pacing of the movie at the times. When the disaster is going on the CGI effects are convincing and good enough to pull you into the story. When the characters are talking and trying to build back story or have a conversation, your attention may be tested. I kept on wanting it to go back to disaster film whenever Chiwetel Ejiofor or Danny Glover opened their mouths. There is one cheesy scene where Chiwetel Ejiofor starts talking to Thandie Newton about how much of a loser he was in High School. You can literally see Newton roll her eyes when he starts talking. It's like she is saying, "Oh God. Here we go again. More cheese to squeeze out of character development." In the next scene she looks like she actually cares what Ejiofor says. I thought it was quite funny.

Now for the final review. It wasn't a waist of time and much better than Rolland's last film 10000 BC. That was one of the worst films of 2008. This is an improvement and on the same level as The Day After Tomorrow. I give it 3.5 stars out of 5. Maybe Rolland's next film will actually have some intelligent dialog without sacrificing the pacing of the film. Go back and watch ID4.



Image

Chiwetel: "Thandie. Remember earlier when I was talking about how much of a dork I was in High School? Do you still want to pro create with me after all this is over now that you know that I am such a loser?

Thandie: "Please...For the love of God...STFU! I have to concentrate on saving all those stu people out their and their drop kick dogs. BTW, I would say your chances are more like 1 in a million."

Chiwetel: "So...There is still a chance...YES"


Image

Amanda Peet: "Alright Kids. If you close your eyes. Count to 12 and get under my dress, we will all fly away just like Mary Poppins."
Harry: " Whoa, Jesus, Check out the butt on that one."

Lloyd: "He must work out."

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Postby TheStuboy » November 19th, 2009, 5:21 pm

I won't post as long a review as stu did simply because he covered it pretty good.

One thing I do have to point out that was factually incorrect is that in the United States the AM band seperates the station every 10khz. In the other parts of the world, its 9 khz, so, while there may be some stations on 745 khz in the world, anyone in the United States wouldn't be able to hear them.

I also found it funny that Q Sac was able to DX Yellowstone from Los Angeles on 745 khz during the day. The amount of power this would take to push the groundwave out that far is impossible.

Also, I found it funny that Yellowstone is summer like during the month of December. FAIL!

But I digress.

Aside from those bad factual inaccuracies, the movie wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

Granted, the acting wasn't the greatest, and the story was predictable, but I still liked it somewhat. It wasn't the greatest movie I have seen but it certainly was better than The Gay After Tomorrow.

I give it 3.5 stars out of 5. Entertaining, but very far fetched. Amanda Peet PTs throughout the whole movie. John Q Sac goes AUUUUUHHHHH, DXes, and a giant cloud of flatulence blows up the world. Wait a minute, that gas was a combination of the fat Russian and Oliver Platt.
Image Man I have good internet reception out here in the middle of fking nowhere.
Image Now remember, all you listeners out there tune to the unhearable frequency of 745khz, which broadcasts 1000 kw of power during the day, and nobody gives a damn.
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Postby leeroy_t » November 20th, 2009, 12:45 am

I could hear 745 khz on my dx radio. It is not digital tuning.
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Postby TheStuboy » November 20th, 2009, 12:49 am

But anything on that channel would be a bleed of either 740 or 750 as its right between. My grundig can tune it as well, but in the US it really would be a useless frequency.
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