Transformers - (Gayer than Meets the Eye)

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Transformers - (Gayer than Meets the Eye)

Postby Kaing of Kaings » July 7th, 2007, 2:13 pm

Yes, as kang as it is to admit it, my woman and I saw Transformers yesterday. It stars Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox (yea she is a fox), John Voight, John Turturro, and Tyresse Gibson. It's also directed by Michael Bay, which means a bunch of action and not much emotion or story behind it. Spielberg was an executive producer on this one, and had he not cast Shia as the lead, this movie would have probably sucked and consisted of a bunch of two dimensional humans battling 3 dimensional robots with a tendency to be slightly kang at times.

The story revolves around teenager Shia who has hormones raging for the PT Megan Fox. It starts out just like "Disturbia" with Shia under house arrest spying on a PT. He wants to bone her so he buys a car, which Bernie Mac sells to him for a rip-off deal. At the same time, David Morse Code moves in next-door and starts shinging innocent Manthas. Meanwhile, a bunch of troops in the Qatar desert are being attacked by a kang robot. One soldier goes in and snaps a nice picture of the robot's crotch. The next thing you know, earth is the battleground for two gay robot species that have been battling it out for eons. There's the bad guys, the Deceptishlongs led by Megashlong, and then there are the good guys, the Autogays led by Optimus Gay. They duke it out and tear city blocks apart, killing millions of innocent bystanders, to get some ancient cube that will cure all of the robot's chronic diarrhea.

Sound confusing or like some kang story? Well it is. It's now up to Shia and Fox to save the planet before another robot species "The Hemroids" come down to earth and kill us all with an anal rash. In typical Michael Bay fashion, most people get killed anyway.

*End of Spoilers*

Like I said earlier, Spielberg was wise for picking Shia who's acting skills make him the only real human in this film. All other actors (including major KO Megan Fox) are beatforces and show no sign of emotion or purpose other than to create and watch stuff explode. That was probably Spielberg’s only contribution to this film other than a carefully placed reference to his earlier movie, E.T. Michael Bay has to through in a reference to his shitty movie, Armageddon, as well. At least he didn't have some fat kid with a camera saying, "Oh, this is more awesome than Pearl Harbor and The Island." Who writes that shit anyway. They should have included the song from "Team America, World Police", Pearl Harbor sucks, and I miss You as that fat kid runs along to film a meteorite crash in a studio building.

This leads me to one of my major complaints for this movie. During the major battle scenes, half the time I couldn’t tell who was the good robot or the bad robot. I also couldn’t tell if there was a script or not during these scenes.

That being said, this is one of Michael Bay's better films, which is not saying much. There is balls to the wall action, which Bay can be good at. The special effects are pretty good here too, and it seems that they didn't run out of budget like the movie Poseidon. For some reason, I just though of that ship flipping over in the middle of the ocean with Ferggie from the Black Eyed Peas in it and the gay Richard Dryfus being as racist as ever. Remember that scene at the beginning of that movie where the camera zooms around the computer-generated ship before it gets flipped by that big wave. You know, the one where it looks like they used a Nintendo to make the graphics? But I digress.

Given that this is the summer of shit movie season, it seems like this movie provides what people are expecting, a no brains required action thriller with robots playing humans and robots, except for Shia. With the biggest robot of them all "Michael Bay" behind the wheel, we get an action packed summer thriller with less annoying characters than Speed. The movie does have it's moments where it will make you laugh and cry (not intentionally mind you). Just don't expect yourself to be any smarter as you walk away from the theater. I give this movie 3.45 stars out of 4. Next to Live Free or Die Kang, these two movies are probably the best action movies of the summer.


Once again, the world is saved by Megan Fox's cleavage. Nice job Megan Fox'x cleavage.


In the middle of the film, Michael Bay ran out of special effects budget. He had to resort to using the original toys in claymation style to get the action. In this scene, Optimus Gay figures out the location of the cube and proceeds to shove it up his ass.
Harry: " Whoa, Jesus, Check out the butt on that one."

Lloyd: "He must work out."

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