Superman Returns - (Pooperman Returns)

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Superman Returns - (Pooperman Returns)

Postby Kaing of Kaings » July 16th, 2006, 1:50 pm

Superman Return starts out with the opening scene of the good movie Contact where we see planets and hear AM radio stations going away from earth. Then we hear Marlon Brando's voice saying, "My Child...You're MY CHILD". Then a huge fungal blast explosion happens and for a brief glimpse, we see Superman's ass fly in front of the screen.

Superman Returns starts where "Superman 2, The Quest for Gayness" ends. Superman has been out in space masturbating for 5 years and decides to return to earth to save stupid people and to bang Lois Lane. Things get complicated when Lois is about to be married to the guy that looks like the guy from Buttship Troopers who plays the guy that flys spaceships around with Denise Richards. Lois has also had a child since Superman was gone. This makes Superman mad so he uses his fart power to fly and save a stupid plane that is about to launch a stupid rocket. I must admit though that scene was probably the coolest out of the film. I could imagine watching a Phoenix Diamondbacks game and looking up to see a huge 747 coming down at me. That would make me shit my pants.

Anyway, Lex Luther, played by Kevin Spacey, is back to his old tricks of looking for ways to defeat Superman by using a combination of Krypton and some dingleberries from his bum. His assistant, Kumar, from Harold and Kumar go to White Castle has turned evil and does the dirty work for Lex. I guess his pot smoking days have finally come to an end. Anyway, most of the movie revolves around Superman trying to get Lois to dump her boyfriend and shag with him...I mean her. He uses his butt chin to tickle her but she resists. He even flys around Metropolis with her and flashes his piece but she still will have none of it.

In the end, Kevin Spacey is shot in the back of the head by Chris Cooper and Wes Bentley comes down the stairs and stares at his red blood. Then the music from American Beauty starts and the credits role. Superman comes and visits Lois' kid in his bedroom and finds Michael Jackson in the room with him. He proceeds to throw him out the window while Michael Jackson moonwalks away and says, Eeeee heeee, Yow, Shamon. Thus concludes Stuperman Returns.

So what did I think of it. Ummm, it was ok. It was kind of like Buttman Begins where I didn't know where to stand with it when I got out of the theater. However, I kind of think this is better than Buttman Begins. The passgas special effects were decent and the acting was ok, not Oscar worthy by any means. The new Stuperman played by Brandon Routh was kind of stiff and even Kevin Spaceys part was a little stu. Kate Bosworth as Lois Lane probably did the best acting in the movie, and she is also nice to look at. I give this movie 2.75 stars out of 4 for flatulent flying scenes and an Erotic Superman/Lois Lane scene that shows the audience why he is really called Superman.

P.S. At least there was no Stu scene in this Superman movie where Superman takes off and says a dorky “Bye” to Lois Lane.

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Spacey: "I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time... For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp and playing with myself, watching falling stars... And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined my street and clogged the gutters so everything would flood when it rained... Or my grandmother's musty smelling hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper... And the first time I saw my cousin Laurie's brand new blue Miata... And Marmalade.. And Milo.. And... Mantha. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what Superman did to me when he trapped me in a box and farted on me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much Stuness in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my nut sack fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like poowee and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday. "

Bryan Singer (Director): "Damn it Spacey! If you can't get the lines right I'm going to hire Gene Hackman to come back and play Lex Luther. Then he will say, "Now I'm in charge here so SHUT THE F@#K up.""

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Superman's secret was out and Lois Lane got the pleasure of figuring it out the hard way as to how Superman flys. Superman's diet consists souly on Taco Bell and Mexican food with plenty of refried beans. This gives him enough fart power to fly into space and back!

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Lois: "OMG...Is that a gun in your pocket?"

Super: "Come on Lois, you know Superman never carries a gun."[/i]
Harry: " Whoa, Jesus, Check out the butt on that one."

Lloyd: "He must work out."

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