Stu Wars Episode XXX: The Rise of Lando's Wiener

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Stu Wars Episode XXX: The Rise of Lando's Wiener

Postby TheStuboy » December 24th, 2019, 7:52 pm

A long shlong ago, in a healaxy fart fart away...

HEA hea hea hea hea hea hea hea hea....

The oates speaks... My butt has heard a mysterious tremor in the bowels. A threat of Montezuma's revenge in the sinister voice of Emperor Palapatine. General Leia, using footage shot during Last Jedi and Force Awakens, has dispatched Lana Del Rey and Edgar Allen Poe to the farthest reaches of Luke's failed attempt to discover something. Neil Finn and Chewbacca join the crew, and Billy Deeeee wants to spank it to someone a lot younger than he.

Meanwhile, Supreme Mantha Beating Leader Kylo Ren rages in search of a mantha torture center determined to find the cause of his bad turtle face...

Thus concludes the Star Wars Skywalker Saga.

I just got back from seeing the concluding film in the Star Wars main canon. And I'm still upset about it. I'm still sad that it ended. Really.

Spoilers - if you haven't seen this movie, do not read this:

After the events of TLJ, the galaxy receives a strange DX signal that Emperor Palapatine is still alive. Kylo Mantha Beating Solo decides to go on a mission to figure out where the transmitter is at and confront the emperor who instructs him to beat at all costs.
Meanwhile, Rey, continuing her training, finds out about something Luke was searching for but never finished. She and the crew go in search of a ship. They run into Lando, who is at a festive festivity, and has his shlong hanging out for any takers. He reminisces about the old times and doesn't come back until the end of the film. C-3PO is being incredibly annoying, and won't translate Sith language because of some stu rule, so they take him to someone who can wipe his butt to extract it. Poe goes and almost gets oates from a PTer in a helmet. Darnit Poe, always C-blocked by something.

Kylo communicates with Rey through something we saw in the Last Jedi. Their ability to mind meld is always entertaining and the way it's presented here is just plain awesome. Kylo knows Rey's secret, but he takes a while to get it out. Instead he keeps obeying Palapatine's commands because he's the dark side after all.
Anyway, they get the info out of C-3PO and he finally shuts TFU for once. Meanwhile, the info is returned to Leia and the Rebel scum who decide to figure out how to get to the planet Emperor Palapatine is on because he's created a huge army of planet destroying star destroyers. Rey decides to go it alone and encounters Kylo on Endor.
She has to fight Kylo who sees the error of his ways and gets a visit from Hands Solo. Hea. That moment made me tear up. Now Ben (Mantha Beating) Solo is left on Endor while Rey steals his ship and flies to the Emperor's planet. She creates a guide for the resistance to follow, and because they're stu, they follow her. Everything falls right into the Emperor's plans and he... wait. Back up. Kylo explains that Rey is a Palapatine, just like the emperor. She is the granddaughter of Palapatine. He anticipates her coming so she can claim the throne and the Sith will rule the galaxy. Except, as usual, the Emperor is stu. During a huge ass battle with the rebel scum, he fails to anticipate Ben hands Solo coming to rescue Rey. They destroy the Emperor and the star destroyers get... destroyed. Order is restored to the galaxy. Ben sacrifices himself before oates can commence, and everyone returns home. Lando inquires about oates and the movie is over. Luke is also in this film, for about 5-10 minutes. This time he isn't pissed owf.


END SPOILERS


So what did I think of this movie?
I can see where some of the reviewers are saying that the pacing isn't the greatest. There are a couple times the movie drags. It's also kind of confusing in the beginning because a lot is happening but then again this is the final installment of the main franchise. A lot of stuff has to be wrapped up. I think the movie got better as it went along. The visuals are stunning. It's Star Wars. You come to see this. The writing is witty in places, funny, and touching. Hea. I teared up several times during this film.
I was surprised a few times and at other times, I could see stuff coming from a ways out.
I think it was an improvement over The Last Jedi, but Force Awakens was still better. Did I think it was better than the prequel trilogy? Hell yes.
Did I tear up at the very end? You bet your ass I did. We've spent decades with these characters and this story, and to see it finally come to an end... well, if you're not a 35-year-old man who tears up at the end of this film, you're not a man, you're my child. Or you have never seen Star Wars, like a friend of mine. Seriously, I have a friend in his 30s who has never seen ANY Star Wars movie! Like WTF! What planet is he on? Naboo?

Anyway, I enjoyed this film. Sure it was long in the tooth, but it was a nice ending to the new trilogy, even if several major characters... oops.
Lando's Wiener gets 4.00000082935 stars out of 5. Hehe.

Image
There's only a few planets in the galaxy with MTC's and this one has the mother of them all. Rey, force talk to me and I'll show you my "super arm".


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-What system are you from?
I'm from Bespin. How about you?
-I don't know
Well let's find out...

-oates scene-
"I won, you losht, get ushed to it shon"
Danny Glovershh - Shhootersh.
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