Assault on Precinct 13 - (Assault on Precinct 13's Toilets)

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Assault on Precinct 13 - (Assault on Precinct 13's Toilets)

Postby Kaing of Kaings » May 13th, 2005, 12:59 am

Assault on Precinct 13 is a story about how Laurence Fishburne eats at McDonalds and gets bad turtle. As he is driving back to his jail cell, he gets bad diarrhea and has to stop at Precinct 13 to drop some kids off at the pool. Once there, the most flatulent assault on a police stations toilet begins.

Actually Assault on Precinct 13 reminds me of Die Hard 2...only shittyer and full of plot holes. It all goes down in Detroit Rock City where Ethan Hawke is a cop who decides to protect and serve a desk instead of an undercover cop routine. Its a big blizzard outside and its New Years Eve except people are going to church and listening to Christmas Music (Plot Hole 1). Well anyway, the very beautiful Maria Bello (DAMN is she fine), shows up and gives Ethan a Psychiatrist review saying he is very dorky and on the brink of being Kang unless he buys a Mantha and beats it. If Maria Bello were a MILF or even just a good look 30 something, I would have to say Oats. I still say Oats....

To make a long story longer and even more drawn out, these cops are partying like its 1999 when all hell breaks lose. (Big Spoiler that you probably know about if you saw the previews for this movie) Turns out all the cops in Detroit are crooks and they want Laurence dead because he acted in Matrix Reloaded and Revolutions. They make an Assault on the dirty toilets of Precinct 13 because Laurence is a bad ass cop killer and got stuck there because of a snow storm along with John Leguizamo and some guy that looks like Dave Chapell who are both annoying criminals.

Picture Speed with all the annoying extras that you want to die because they are so stu, and put them in a police building with nothing to do but make dumb dialogue between each other. That’s what you get with this movie. You also get Stuboy filming techniques which will show Ethan Hawke trying to grab an icicle and suddenly he had it already in his hands (Plot hole 2). Then you have a car wreck where you have no idea who is driving the car or why because the Stuboy camera operator was trying to film a Radio Tower instead of what the director was trying to get him to film (Plot Hole 3). Then you have a gay ending in a huge forest that exists right in down town Detroit in...I never realized there was a huge forest there (plot hole 4).

Anyways, this movie is extremely flatulent and highly combustible if you watch it after eating Sushi and Venison Steaks. There are a lot more plot holes then what I mentioned because this movie looks like it was thrown together because some studio executive wanted to see Maria Bello on cellulite so he could spank it. I give it 2 and 1/ 4 stars for stuness and bad turtle.
Harry: " Whoa, Jesus, Check out the butt on that one."

Lloyd: "He must work out."

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Postby TheStuboy » May 15th, 2005, 11:43 pm

I bet they've caught the plot holes on www.moviemistakes.com
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