Unsharted: Drake's Disinformation

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Unsharted: Drake's Disinformation

Postby TheStuboy » March 8th, 2022, 10:33 pm

Hea, I just got back from seeing Uncharted, hands solo, because the Melanies is seeing Dua Lupa at Target Center. Anyway, this is the first film released this year that I've seen in theaters. Having been a big fan of the Uncharted video games, my expectation for this film was pretty high. I've played and conquered every Unsharted game Naughty Dog released on PS3 and PS4. That includes the Chloe-based spinoff where she goes on an adventure with Sam, Nathan Drake's brother.

Well, that being said, this film has been in the works for a long long time, and not going to lie, I was very disappointed to see Mark Wahlberg cast as Sully, and even more disappointed to see Tom Holland cast as Nathan, er, Nate Drake. But that doesn't mean the film was bad does it? No, it means I should've lowered my expectations. Now I know stu hasn't played the games because they're too violent for the Own, even though we played Doom at his age, but hea, I've played them and they're more cartoony violent than serious violent. So is this film. The games feature incredibly beautiful scenery and unique lost locations. The movie tries to do this but it looks bland in real life. Read what I thought of the film below the spoiler plot below.

So here's the plot: (spoilers)

in a flatchback akin to the 4th game, we see young Nate Drake with his brother Sam trying to steal Franz Ferdinand Magellan's map from a boarding school. Both brothers get caught and punished but Sam escapes, like he does in the 4th game. He leaves Nate telling him he will always be there and oates and stuff. Flatch-forward to modern times with Tom Holland getting kaing with kids in NYC. I know its crazy but its true. Drake works as a bartender and hits on a PTer while pickpocketing her. He should've chosen oates. She was totally into him. Well, he then runs into Sully who has an offer he can't refuse. Sully (Wah-berg), knows where Sam is, and Magellan's gold that we're told exists and stuff. So, Nate thinks about it for 2 seconds, does a quick getting into shape montage, and is in. They steal an artifact necessary to find the gold from the scary but useless Antonio Banderas in a situation where I was like "that was too easy".

They go to Barcelonaaaaaah where they meet Chloe, who is in the 3rd and 4th games plus her own game. She looks similar to the game Chloe, albeit 10 years younger. Chloe has another artifact they need. She tries to double cross (pun intended) Drake and Sully but agrees to help them. Meanwhile, Banderas and a chick with a spider on her head go after them. Well, Nate discovers where the artifact goes and it largely leads nowhere. Chloe ends up double crossing Sully and Nate and hands the crosses to Banderas who knew the gold wasn't in Spain. There's a map involved here too. So they travel to the Philippines but only Nathan knows where the gold really is. He gets there first, gets pissed at Sully, and then the end sequence with pirate ships and helicopters happens. End movie.

End spoilers.

So as the first entry to what is likely a series, this film felt incredibly rushed. Fans of the games will know the characters but I kept thinking those that haven't played the game wouldn't know what's going on, let alone who the characters are. The film speeds along, characters make no time to think that their actions have consequences, and everyone doesn't trust anyone. It gets annoying after a while, not going to lie. The games are nothing like this. They take time to get you into the story instead of rushing like a bat out of hell. For being a two hour movie, it sure didn't feel like it. They wasted no time on character development, back story, or any of that. They just went b to the w. The action sequences get better as the film goes on. They are, like the games, full of incredibly implausible moments that defy physics. This is what the games do too, so I guess I can look beyond that.

There are sequences where it feels like a good Indiana Jones movie that just drop when followed by bad humor or moments of the characters being pissed owf at each other. Then, the baddies, as with the game, are worthless and serve no more than to fall off ships or get their asses kicked by Tom Holland, who is shorter than Mark Wahlberg.

In the games, Sully is a background character. In this movie, he's always there being oldballs and stu. I kept thinking they needed to just focus on Nathan and not use Sully that much. Chloe also gets very little screen time and she's not as snappy as the character in the game. She doesn't give Nathan much of a run for his money, she's just there for eye candy. She didn't do much the last third of the film.

I think because it had such a long development time, the movie suffers from what happened to Duke Nukem Forever. By the time that game was released, the humor wasn't as fresh and things had become stale. This film suffers from that. It wants to be Indiana Jones but can't quite reach that level of greatness. Its about on par with Kaingdom of the Crystal Suck. Both films contain wildly outlandish stunts. At least in that film, when Harrison Ford gets beat up, he shows it. This film treats injuries like they're minor inconveniences. A couple of people corpse and you're like, okay, so what.

Anyway that isn't to say it's not a fun movie. When it works it works. When the movie hits close to the game subject matter and look, it really works. Then it goes back into mediocrity.

Expect a sequel. There's supposedly a post-credits sequence too that I missed. I would recommend this movie for a rainy day if you want to turn your brain off and you don't believe the laws of physics exist. Look out for a cameo by Nolan North, who played Nathan in the games and provided motion capture. He's on a beach and goes hea. He reminds me of Patrick Warburton.

UNSHARTED gets 2.789 stars out of 5. Its not bad but it could've been so much better. As a fan of the games, please do better next time. No Marky Mark.
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Collect 'em all, your Unsharted Action Figure Set.
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This is actually a still from the 4th game, which is my favorite of the series. The movie has a scene like this that's just as unrealistic.
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In the game of will they or won't they oates, people need to remember this movie has no balls because it's a soft PG-13. Don't expect much chemistry here, the movie doesn't have time for that, unlike the 3rd game where Nathan Drake gets some Chloe cooch.
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Now show me on this map how thin the plot of this movie is, and how much source material they wasted in the process... shhiiinggg uahhhh!
"I won, you losht, get ushed to it shon"
Danny Glovershh - Shhootersh.
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