Spiderballs: No Way Home Alone

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Spiderballs: No Way Home Alone

Postby TheStuboy » December 28th, 2021, 10:02 pm

Hea! So we just got back from a crowded Studio City East in Casper, Wyoming, for the viewing of the movie that has smashed the shit out of records at the box office for the last two pandemic filled years. This... is a cold flatch. No, its Spider Man: No Way Home. The film stars Tom Holland, Benedict Cumberballs, Marissahhhhh Tomei, and (SPOILERS AHEAD) - Willem Dafoe, Jamie Foxx, Alfred Molina, Thomas Haden Church, Tobey Maguire, and Andrew Garfield (reprising their Spidermen roles from the previous universes).

If you haven't seen this film by now, you're either not going to see it or you want to read spoilers. If you want to read spoilers, read on, because by now the cat is out of the bag and the beans have been spilled.

Spiderballs No Way Out picks up after the events from Far From Home, which this esteemed Butthesda Critic has not seen. Oops. I saw the first Tom Holland Spiderballs outing, but don't remember anything about it. I also saw all Tobey Maguire Spiderballs, and the first Andrew Garfield Spiderballs. Like the Melanie said, I kind of want to go back and watch the entire universe(s) in order. We already watched the OG Spiderballs recently, so next we'll do Spiderballs 2.

Anyway, at the beginning of the film, Spiderballs' identity is revealed by Mysterio (poor Jake Gyllenhaal), and everything goes bonkers in a bad way. Suddenly, Spiderballs becomes pubic enemy number one, thanks to Alex Jones using his video podcast to brainwash dumbass Americans into thinking the former guy is some kind of fraud because he's vaccinated. Oops, I mean the guy from the Farmers Insurance Commercials is an Alex Jones type guy who encourages the world to blame Spiderballs for the death of Mysterio. I have no idea why this happened since I didn't see Far From Home yet.

Anyway, Spiderballs seeks out Benedict Arnoldbatch (Dr. Steven Strange) who can cast a spell that will allow everyone to forget who Spiderballs is. Except Tom Holland keeps screwing it up and it eventually causes a rip-ass in time and space. Enter Alfred Molina as Doc Oc, who attacks Spiderballs on a bridge, except he realizes it's not the Peter Parker he thought it was. Strange is able to capture most of the other villains from the other universes and stick them into fart chambers, where they're stuck cracking wise cracks and stinking up their own little joints. As I mentioned, Electro, the Lizard Man, Sandman, and Doc Oc all get thrown into this as well. But then we meet the Green Goblin. Scary Dafoe enters the picture and the whole mood changes. Dafoe is a such a damn good actor he steals every scene he is in. I wish there was more of him in this film.

Strange comes up with a device that can send all the villains back to where they came, meaning they corpse because that's what they did in their universe. Well, Tom Holland's Spiderballs has a heart, and thus screws up everything again. Dafoe attempts to Oates Marissa Tomei, because honestly, who wouldn't. That turns out badly and she pays for it (super spoiler). Holland's friends include MJ, and another dude who steals Strange's ability to create portals, and Andrew Garfield and Tobey Maguire enter the picture. This is honestly the best part of the film. The three spiderballs running around and causing mayhem. I mean, they science the shit out of cures for each of the bad guys. I forgot to mention before that they previously attempted this, allowing all the bad guys to escape. Jamie Foxx's Electro likes the way the electricity makes his schlong tingle, so he refuses to go back to his universe. The only one who is saved is Doc Oc, and I'm here for it. He got a bad rap in the 2nd Spiderballs and this movie gives him a second chance to redeem himself.

They attempt to lure the villains, who have all escaped, to the statue of liberty, so mega ballwarz can happen. There are some jokes about each's adventures and it turns out Tobey is the only one who can shoot webbing from his wrist naturally. The other two don't have that power. I didn't remember that detail, save for Maguire knowing how to do it. The Andrew Garfield Spiderballs were largely forgotten by myself.

Anyway, ballwarz happens, and the characters each go back to their universes. The spiderballs share a moment, and Strange arrives to fix Holland's major fuckups... even though Strange is mostly to blame for this. Ask MJ. She knows. There's a couple of sad moments near the end where this reviewer started tearing up, but I made it through it better than I did Ghostbusters. Yes, Ghostbusters made me cry. You know that. Read that review for more deets.

I noticed a couple of plot holes, including a glaring one that brought me out of the film towards the middle. It was in the middle when Spiderballs was fighting the lizard guy in the building where Fat Jon Favreau lived. When they are collapsing through the floors, Spiderballs goes outside the building, and then all of the sudden, he's smashed into the hallway by the lizard guy. Essentially, there's a scene missing or something, because jumps from outside to inside. Unless I just had a brain fart or missed it. It brought me out of the film whatever it was. I said "wait a minute".

We stayed for the unnecessary end credits scene but didn't know there was something after that for Dr. Strange.

I enjoyed this movie. It has a couple of sluggish points, and some plot holes, and some of it I didn't understand because I haven't seen a few of the films that would connect the dots. Other than that, it was worth it to see. I don't think it was as good as Ghostbusters, but it did just about make me tear up at the end, so, take of that whatever you will. I felt sorry for Andrew Garfield. He didn't get a third film, and I felt like his Spiderballs was the most down of the three.

I can see why this film is blasting web all over the box office. It's a nice trip down nostalgia lane, kind of like Ghostbusters is. I still wish Hollywood would get out of the recycled funk its in and start producing original content for once, instead of bringing movies from 20-40 years ago back.

Spider-Balls: No Way Home gets 3.45678910 stars out of 5. It was a flagical evening at the Studio City in Casper. They also have food there. The food gave me bad gas, but was good. Typical American food, like hotdogs and nachos. The theater was nice but crowded with idiots and as expected - nobody was wearing a mask. Ffs Wyoming. You've done really bad during the pandemic and you don't care.
God damnit Peter... I know you're a kid, but stop being stu and having me cause a rip in time and space.
Hahahaha - Prrrrt... You can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread goblin! Ffffff
"I won, you losht, get ushed to it shon"
Danny Glovershh - Shhootersh.
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